We’ve Never Had It So Bad 2011

Dear Rowley,

Brass monkeys this morning, isn’t it? I stoated down to the kitchen at 5.30am wrapped in a duvet like Marlene Dietrich at the Queen’s Theatre: rigid in my swan’s down. Apparently, a rat has been seen at No 10 Downing Street. Just the one? So the Coalition has decided to sell England’s forests. Dumb and dumber. We all accept cuts. We don’t really accept selling off what makes England such a green and pleasant land.

Back in the day there was a terribly amusing Victoria Wood sketch starring Patricia ‘Hyacinth Bucket’ Hodge as a self-righteous home counties matron called Kitty who decided she wanted to stand for government. She’s put off because she’s walked the length and breadth of Downing Street and still no sign of  a decent wool shop. However, her manifesto for solving the national debt is to sell off the Palace of Westminster and turn it into a leisure centre. She’d hold cabinet meetings in Helen Murchison’s new conservatory.

Furthermore, Kitty would put a 10p tax on pedal bins because she doesn’t like them. She’d give New Year’s Honours to Alan Titchmarsh, Carol Kirkwood and Dolly from Emerdale Farm. We all laughed when it first aired. Not laughing now are we? Another Kitty favourite was about Chinese acrobats. ‘I could balance a kitchen table on my nose but I’m far too busy’…

The news is as always bleedin’ awful, isn ‘t it Rowley? It appears the world’s governments are all going into meltdown. They are rioting in Egypt, blowing each other up in Russia and where are the world’s power brokers? The Davos summit. So it’s health spa a go-go, fondue and champagne all the way. The most random people turn-up at Davos. Last year it was Ozwald Boateng. Who this year? Holly Willoughbooby and Wincey Willis? We’re all in this together. Not. It made my blood boil when the Chancellor of the ExCheq went skiing at Klosters or some such this Christmas on the invitation of a billionaire. I bet Kitty would have something to say about that.

If you could hack anybody’s phone, would you really bother with Sienna Miller and Kelly Hoppen (who she, ed?) I am sure there are more interesting people to eavesdrop on. Me for example if I had a mobile phone. This week I did an experiment and just switched the phone off and left it at Bloomsbury Towers. I do have an iPad so I wasn’t totally flying blind but it was such a pleasure not to be a slave to a BlackBerry for the week. Of course this does mean there will be one or two voicemails when I finally find the damned thing again…

I have a little news darling. Yesterday the head of BBC News emailed to ask if I would call the fashion for April’s Royal Wedding from a studio they are building in Green Park next to the Palace. I’m also booked the day before. Now one knows how Miss Middleton feels. There can be no more roller disco, Boujis nights or Soho mornings when you weave home like a Dizzy Dummy after a night out on the toot. England expects and all that. Won’t there be a few people in London who will be simply thrilled for me? They know who they are and I AM being sarcastic.

How did I celebrate? Rang the parentals, rang better half,  bought a bottle of pink Champagne and took it straight to Gail in Capri (not the island, the dry cleaner on Southampton Row). We had a quick drink and that’s our story and we’re sticking to it. I tell you, Capri is as glam as the Beaufort Bar at the Savoy. I also called Mrs T and told her to buy a new hat because I’m going to need her on the wedding day to pick-up on all those young European royals who might not be familiar to me. There could be nothing worse than mistaking Princess Charlene of Monaco with Tess Daley.

So what does today hold for you darling? I am staying under the Dietrich duvet until I have to be chivvied out like a stoat for 11am coffee with Tony Rushmer at Cecconi’s. Tony works for the Jockey Club and is also a great supporter of Savile Row. We met at Ascot a couple of years ago and I adore.

One of the benefits of having Peter Dawson as my art director for Fashion at Royal Ascot: Three Centuries of Thoroughbred Style is walking from Bloomsbury Square to Peter’s studio in Bermondsey. I am not very familiar with Bermondsey so am having a ball getting to know Borough Market (the farmer’s market foodie heaven in Southwark) where I buy pork and apple sauce baguettes from a hatch called Hobbs under the railway arches and getting to see the marvellous architecture coming up on the South Bank. Love the Shard of Glass skyscraper, don’t you?