Everybody Loves Oscar. March 2014.

Dear Rowley,

I had the great misfortune to catch the last five minutes of Jeremy Kyle’s show while waiting for ITV This Morning’s Oscar coverage to begin at 6am. I wonder who this ringmaster of Broken Britain’s most repulsive ambassadors thinks he is? Torquemada the Grand Inquisitor? It beggars belief that these grotesques actually agree to appear on his so called show – about as amusing as an afternoon looking at the loonies in Bedlam I’d imagine – unless money changes hands.

But let’s turn our collective backs on the chavvy, hoodie ASBOs of The Jeremy Kyle Show and bask in the glitter and the glamour of the Academy Awards. Do you know what I love about the Oscars? Only the big hitting A-listers get the attention of the world’s media and television audiences. There’s no dross because let’s face it most of them are in Paris for fashion week and far too small fry to cut it at the Oscars or the Vanity Fair party.

I wonder if the Wicked Witch of the West End was invited to the Vanity Fair bash? Last time I saw her she’d had another syringe of concrete injected into her lips and had begun to resemble one of those African masks they hang on the back of the door in dodgy South African travel agents’ shops. I’ve bored you many times about being a guest of LoveGold at the amfAR dinner and auction in Cannes last year but have thus experienced a taste of what the Oscar ceremony must be like for the inmates.

My favourite moment on the red carpet this year was Piers Morgan interviewing Bette Midler when all of a sudden Goldie Hawn darted up to Bette to plant a couple of smackers on her cheek. It was such a spontaneous moment and gives a glimpse of what it must be like to be in the superstar league. They aren’t exactly bezzie mates but their working lives bring them together on occasion and they grow to love/respect each other as peers. I’d imagine it was much the same for the British royal family and the old aristocracy before the Wars.

So who looked lovely on the red carpet this year? My best in show went to Sandra Bullock. No competition. The drape on that Alexander McQueen blue satin column dress was pure poetry in motion: helped no doubt because Sandra is evidently one of the sunniest personalities in Hollywood, a good laugh and much loved. One could say the same thing for Jennifer Lawrence who I  had never heard of until My Week With Marilyn. Can’t think of anything worse than The Hunger Games. My laugh out loud Oscar moment this year was when she tripped – AGAIN! – and dissolved into muchos chuckles. She was no slouch in scarlet Dior either.

Cate Blanchett is such a classy customer isn’t she? As it happens Blue Jasmine was one of the only Oscar-nominated films I’d actually seen though admittedly it being about a thirsty manic depressive it was a bit of a busman’s holiday. When Miss Blanchett won the Best Actress Oscar she gave what I thought was the speech of the night quite rightly saying people do want to see films led by ladies and that they make money…the only language Hollywood understands. That Armani Privé frockage was just bliss.

Wasn’t Ellen Degenerate good as MC for the evening? Her opening monologue was one of the funniest in the history of the Oscars. I loved the bit about the most important things in life being friendship, love and loyalty to which Ellen added ‘…and when you don’t have those things in your life you tend to go into show business’. Even funnier was the calculation that the nominees had collectively made over 1400 movies and between them they’d spent a total of six hours in college. Julia Roberts laughed like a drain at that one. YouTube it darling.

So what’s new on the Rialto? I have decided to go and see Dame Angela in Blithe Spirit this evening after all. Noël Coward’s writing is good for the soul. Patricia suggested early sups at Sheekey’s but I never like to go to the Oyster Bar if not on top form so we’re having a cheap and cheerful in Strada instead. I certainly don’t fancy a late at Joe’s or Orso after the show. The fun of late night suppers will have to wait until I feel a little better.

I was leafing through a back issue of Cosmo in the steam room this morning and chanced upon an advert for a health spa outside Alicante that looked to die. They had programmes for stopping smoking (a must now), stopping drinking (I like a joke), diet and sleep. How I would love to go. All this and Benidorm too.