Politics. May 2014.

Dear Rowley,

There isn’t a translation for schadenfreude¬†in the English language. It can be best described as satisfaction from retribution rained down on the head of one who bloody well deserves it. I felt much the same hearing that UKIP trounced the three major parties in the European Parliament elections yesterday. Though we might rue giving Nigel Farage false expectations of Parliamentary glory come next year’s general election, you’d have to have a heart of stone not laugh like a hyena on hearing Messers Cameron, Clegg and Milliband making their squirming excuses this morning on the wireless.

With all the spin doctors, pollsters and election gurus practising the black arts for the Coalition and the Labour opposition, I don’t for a second think our politicians are unaware that the British now view the European Parliament as marginally more sinister and controlling than Soviet Russia. They deserved the electorial knee in the balls because knowing our anxieties about immigration, MPs go all Dolores Umbridge on us and think they know better.

Were Cruikshank alive, he’d have a ball with this barrel of monkeys. Nick Clegg’s face was the personification of the ): emoticon today. Having eased on down the road of broken promises with that smug grin that seems to be asking for a custard pie in the kisser, the Liberal Party leader’s integrity is in tatters. Cleggy showed his character when he referred to calls for his resignation as an abdication. Who does he think he is? Queen Juliana of the Netherlands?

Though I am sure Prime Minister Cameron has a jolly good reason for dangling the promise of an EU referendum in front of our eyes like a stripper’s tassel, it remains a mystery why we have to wait until 2017. One thing we can be sure of, the reason will be self-serving hence the dismal performance of the Conservatives in the European elections. It’s terribly hard to agree that we’re all in this together, when the call to the Cabinet table is the Eton Boat Song. I’m afraid people think Mr Cameron is a bit of a toff pig in a trough. I think he’s attempting Churchillian but comes across more like Billy Bunter being caught with his paws in the biscuit barrel.

Mr Cameron has, however, escaped without his party demanding his head on a pike. Clever of the Liberal Party spin machine to suggest Vince Cable – the Uriah Heep of British politics – as an alternative leader. That dismal prospect alone could guarantee Cleggy’s survival but at the cost of his party disappearing spectacularly up its leader’s fundament. Cleggy has Brussels Law written into his DNA like a stick of Blackpool rock. Applause to the voters’ sense of irony leaving his party with one Billy-no-mates MEP left standing.

When a member of your own party declares that the leader ‘looks weird, sounds weird and is weird’ one knows it is time for Ed Milliband to buy an Oyster card because the ministerial cars will soon have passed him by. The sight of the Labour party leader wrestling with a bacon sandwich on the campaign trail – man of the people and all that – eyes popping like a ruminating pantomime cow was a joy. It would be fittingly Shakespearean should Iago Umunna dig the knife into a man who assassinated his own brother for a crack at the party leadership. Be careful what you wish…

All three major parties have behaved like Dumb,Dumber and Dumbest smearing UKIP as bigoted, racist and dangerous. Fag-and-a-Pint Nigel Farage might be all the above but it has proved fatal to underestimate the jester. There is nothing amusing about Mr Farage’s political ambitions to destroy a party system that was perfectly adequate for centuries as long as the politicians who led them worked in the interest of the British public. Sadly, this no longer appears to be the case.

To be fair, every country in the EU bar Germany protest voted for the rogue element, from smiley Nigel Farage to France’s National Front, to register disapproval that the European experiment has created Frankenstein’s monster. It’s a great pity because a Europe working for common trade interests is a powerful body in a hostile world. I don’t see a Prime Minister Farage being voted-in come 2015 but can see another unseemly power struggle if the muppets in charge at present don’t get back in the toy box.

I wonder what The Queen makes of it all? Of course we’ll never know because she has the moxy never to divulge political opinions. But what a comedown from the beginning of her reign in 1952 when Sir Winston Churchill was her first Prime Minister? Until next time…