Waltz Darling! August 2016.

Dear Rowley,

I don’t know about music being the food of love but it certainly is pure Viagra for the mind. Way before Madonna cottoned-on to vogueing - the combative drag queens of New York dance craze striking poses from the eponymous mag – Malcolm McLaren released an album called Waltz Darling! It combined vogueing and Strauss waltzes and I loved it. Well, I found it the other day on iTunes and have played and played Waltz Darling! while swooping round the kitchen like a gypsy on fire.

McLaren was brilliant. This is his masterpiece and I adore it. Waltz Darling! took me back to the early 90s before life got ‘trooooly messy’ and complicated. Fortunately, I am un-cluttering right now and feel almost back to peak physique and mind though the latter was always a little hyper-hyper. But as that song goes, I am feelin’ good.

When I write my self-help manual - The Drunken Slut With Anger Management’s Guide to Life in London – it will start with a list of essential tools apropos a membership to the Pink Jukebox in Holborn, Angostura & Tonic (lots of), new underwear, Netflix, an iPad, the complete works of RuPaul’s Drag Race on my MacBook Air and Waltz Darling!. A pet would be a jolly good idea but with my life??? Still, not all pets are canine don’t you know…

Do you think it will be a best-seller darling? Knock that smug Deliciously Ella off the top spot, no? Have I had a belly-full of the ‘clean food’ cooks. There must be millions of them spewing out books telling you to spiralize courgettes and eat plenty of mackerel. No, me neither! If it’s not that at the top of the best-seller list it is adult colouring books. Has anyone done a dirty gay one yet? Join the dots…

I have so much to tell you Rowley. My novel is 35,000 words in and I am finishing part two of four before I fly to Toronto. My agent has the manuscript and she also has my Turnbull & Asser: Made in England book because the gorgeous woman thinks the history of T&A would make a super one-off doc. Henry Poole is a gift that keeps on giving and Thames & Hudson have offered me a ‘comeback’ book about men’s jewellery to sign in September.  How does Sartorial Treasures: A Gentleman’s Guide to Fine Jewellery grab y0u for a title?

So here’s the thing with the realisation that London has tired of you. All joy evaporates and what you’re left with is introspection and gloom. I was getting rather fed-up of being Savile Row Barbie for a while and thought I had lost my mojo. Do you know who lifted me up by my sock garters and gave me a bit of my gay back? RuPaul, that’s who. Yes Mamma.

I have just binge-watched the whole of Season 8 on YouTube and it is pure, unadulterated joy and laughter with a few moments to make your mascara run too. Ru has done so much for the drag community and for gays in general. If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Chantais you stay! Sashay away! The library is open. Elogwent. Flah-zee-dah. I could go on…

What I love about Drag Race is the opportunity to meet Ru’s girls and get to know them unless of course they crash-out in the early episodes. I love to see their stories develop and their confidence soar as Ru narrows his girls down to the last three. This season it was Bob the Drag Queen, Kim Chee and Naomi Smalls.

Bob the Drag Queen is comedy gold. His challenge with Britney Spears doppelgänger Derrick Bentley when they filmed Presidential TV campaigns was one of the cleverest pieces of writing and acting I have seen in years. In fact I fancied Derrick for the final. Kim Chee is ‘fat, fem and Asian’ but also one of the most talented make-up artists and performers I have ever seen on a stage. When she danced to Fat, Fem & Asian at the finale held in the Orpheum Theatre I felt a bit teary.

Naomi Smalls is as gorgeous as her inspiration Naomi Campbell. She has legs, legs, legs and body-oddy-oddy. The face is a picture on the cover of a magazine. You knew Series 8 was going to be immense in week two when the girls did a sing-and-dance-off between the good girls and the bitches from Lake Titicaca School of Weaves. Another pick of mine for the final – Miss Louisiana Glamour – actually managed to lip synch, head pop and keep in time while doing the splits upside down. There’s a talent you can take to the bank.

Apparently there is going to be a UK version of RuPaul’s Drag Race and it is already in development. As the kids say, this will be everything to me as long as Ru and Michelle Visage front the show. All the big girls on Drag Race now get paid fortunes to do personal appearances at bars and clubs worldwide and it’s not always the winners of series one to eight who become the stand-out stars.

My all-time favourites are Bianca Del Rio (‘Not today, Satan!’), Ginger Minge (who did an Adele impersonation that I can laugh out loud at just thinking about it), Pearl, Chad Michaels, Adore Delano (who IS Anna-Nicole Smith), Latrice Royale and Alyssa Edwards. What I truly love about RuPaul’s Drag Race is the triumph of individuality, nerve and talent that Ru brings out in her girls. If the illuminati existed, I’d make RuPaul the Queen of the World. Now, sissy that walk.