D.I.V.O.R.C.E. September 2016.

Dear Rowley,

Another clunking foot-in-mouth social media moment from Vogue who – reporting on the divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – wrote ‘today shall go down as the day love died’. You’d think Vogue was describing Mary Magdalene weeping at the tomb of Jesus Christ, Britain as a nation laying flowers for the late Diana Princess of Wales at the gates of Buckingham Palace or even Elizabeth Taylor and Burton divorcing for a second time.

Whenever I looked at photographs of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on a red carpet, I always thought ‘what’s love got to do with it?’ Have you noticed how Hollywood people only marry within their own caste? Have you also noticed the disproportionate amount of adoptions in the movie business? Whenever a movie star does have children they inevitably bite the hand that feeds. M’Lud, I give y0u Christina Crawford, B.D. Davis and Maria Riva the daughters of Joan, Bette and Marlene respectively.

I happen to have a lot of respect for Angelina Jolie. Born into Hollywood royalty, her adolescence was troubled with stories of nervous breakdowns, self-harm and suicides including one bizarre occasion when Miss Jolie hired a hitman to kill herself. She came through, married twice and was suitably barmy wearing a vial of second husband Billy Bob Thornton’s blood around her neck.

Despite  a very rough ride as a young woman, god bless the child for getting her own fame and fortune on screen. It probably wasn’t Miss Jolie’s finest moment stealing Brad Pitt from then wife Jennifer Aniston’s bed but it happens and who is to say where the heart leads one?

Alarm bells began to ring when in addition to the three children she bore Brad Pitt, Miss Jolie adopted three more from various locations. She’s not the first to adopt a rainbow tribe. Josephine Baker, Mia Farrow and Madonna did much the same thing. But can we applaud the Countdown approach to building a family? ‘I’ll have a black one. And a yellow one. Another from Africa’.

A desire to save the world’s orphans in the storm is admirable but can you imagine these children’s lives? Brad and Angelina took them everywhere hence no formal schooling. Miss Jolie also took her young to war zones and orphanages to show them presumably how fortunate they are.

Apparently Brad Pitt was the disciplinarian whereas Miss Jolie wanted to raise a pack of liberal global citizens. I am highly dubious about global citizens ever since one of my bankers told me he was safer anywhere in the world than a British citizen because the bank had tentacles in every foreign territory and government. It is a depressing thought, no?

I do not want to be a global citizen. I am British, I loathe planes and the idea of throwing myself around the world’s departure lounges because I can’t find happiness at home is anathema to me. Apropos happiness, I have met a new beau. Don’t want to jinx it so won’t say more but I have not felt as relaxed, happy and in love since about 1992.

But back to celebrity divorces. Apparently Miss Jolie wants sole custody of her six children and has put it about that Brad Pitt is a boozer, a bit of a druggie and a man of volatile temper. I don’t buy that. Brad Pitt is one of the handsomest men on the planet. He is a movie star. Did he want six children? I doubt it. Does he want to be married to a latter-day Eva Peron? I doubt that even more.

You see Miss Jolie has made that fatal film star mistake. She wants to be taken seriously beyond the movie industry. That’s why we saw her glued to William Hague at Lancaster House ‘speaking out’ for oppressed women worldwide. Admirable as having a cause might be, I can’t see that foreign dictators will take much notice of Laura Croft Tomb Raider. When she was made an honorary Dame I wept for the British honours system.

One longs for actors, actresses and their spouses to do what they do best and keep out of politics. I could have thrown rotten fruit at millionairess Amal Clooney pontificating about refugees. When she and George Clooney have housed a few in their estate on Lake Como perhaps money and mouth will be in the right place and we can take them seriously. Incidentally, where did Amal Clooney come from? RuPaul’s Drag Race?

Everyone has a right to political views. But Hollywood seems to think it is their God-given right to lecture the rest of us about inequality when surely they are the finest example of inequality being blessed by Mammon and Beauty. Don’t you long for the era when film stars such as Garbo were largely silent in private?

Has the defection of the Great British Bake-Off from the BBC to Channel 4 kept you awake all night? No, me neither. Paul Hollywood is the picture in my locket and he’s always worth an hour’s attention but I started to go off Bake-Off when the BBC got up to its old tricks and started social engineering the contestants.

Bake-Off was a triumph of innocence and nostalgia. Then the BBC stuck their beaks in and started to insist that there was a Muslim, a cute gay, a beardie, a cosy middle-aged lady with a regional accent, an Audrey Hepburn, a big gruff lad and a How Very Dare You? in the line-up.

Money always fucks things up and will probably sink Bake-Off as we know it. The BBC has a genius for slaying unicorns and this is another example of innocence corrupted. Personally I never saw the jeopardy in a lemon sponge not rising but I am clearly in the minority. Until next time…