True Blood. December 2017.

Dear Rowley,

I have recently been initiated into the cult of HBO vampire series True Blood. The vampire myths intrigue me: drinking human blood to live, living as the undead, lasting for centuries and living on the dark edges of humanity. What’s not to like? True Blood takes the vampire to an entirely different level even more perverse than Ann Rice and centuries ahead of Dracula.

True Blood is set in the deep South of America in a town of hicks and hookers and drugs and sex for days. The central romance is between vampire Bill and human Sukie. The central horror is a human serial killer. It is sultry, nasty, bawdy and an awful lot of fun. The characterisation is a dream. I have been introduced to fang bangers, shape shifters, clairvoyants, exorcists and demons. What’s not to like ladies and gentlemen of the jury?

I am most enamoured of a character called Lafayette. He is a kick-ass black diva bitch who is handy with his fists and can throw an aside like Talulah Bankhead. But then again I am bewitched by all the characters including king vampire Eric as played by the divine Alexander Skarsgard. Skarsgard is my new man crush. He is a viking with flaxen blonde hair and eyes like knives. His fangs aren’t half bad either. Hence fang banger: a human who likes to play with vampires.

Ryan Kwanten as Jason Stackhouse (Suki’s brother) is a beautiful hunk of man: young, dumb and full of cum. He plays the character so pitch perfectly that he’s a joy to watch. You don’t even need him to talk. My favourite character in True Blood is Rutina Wesley as Tara. Tara is a sassy, potty-mouthed heroine who appears to live her life entirely on her temper and her hormones. I know how she feels.

My favourite vampire bar none is Louis in Interview with a Vampire as played by Brand Pitt. He was so beautiful and vulnerable in that movie not least being dragged into the back of a hearse by Antonio Banderas. What’s not to like? Really? Really? I found Tom Cruise creepy as the vampire Lestat but I suppose we all find Tom Cruise creepy. It must be the scientology and the latent homosexuality.

Brad was so pretty as baby vampire Louis. He had doubts and fears and lusts and needs as we all do. But  nothing quite compares to True Blood. It is rather X-rated and you do see a lot of flesh but none the worse for that. Skarsgard could have me swinging in a hammock naked and I would thank him. I am not by nature someone who falls in love with looks but for that one I would walk a million miles for one of his smiles.

Vampires do exist I can promise you that. They may not suck your blood but they take something much more fundamental: your love and your trust. I have bedded with many a ruthless killer and I can’t say I regretted a single moment. They think they are taking you but really you are taking them if it is what you want. This letter is getting rather blue. We should return to our safe word: Liza.

As my Auntie Lynda used to say, ‘sex with two people is a very special thing. But with three people? Fabulous!’ I don’t know why so many English folk are so squeamish about sex. It is up there with Prosecco, a massage and dressed crab as one of the great pleasures in life. Why deny? Granted, some people are too inhibited to let the dogs out but I am  not one of them. Intimacy is terribly hot and terribly nice.

Have you done all your Christmas shopping darling? I am always a bit beady about Christmas being a single Pringle. You have to buy every member of the family an individual gift and all you get in return is solitaire. Surely some mistake. You’re always about £500 down in the balance. I never wanted children so I find it odd that I am supposed to love children of others simply because there is a faint blood tie. I don’t as a rule like children unless they are pretty and funny. More to the point, if they pay no attention to me then I return the favour.

I am however feeling more Christmas spirit than I have in a decade. All the gifts are bought and sent. I have Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas lunch sorted and will tie-up New Year’s Eve shortly. All y0u really want is to be where you are welcome with people who like you. Simples. Mission is accomplished this year and I hope to see my family on home ground in 2018. I am such a London boy. It is in my soul by now and whenever I am away I miss my town. I feel these streets in the cheeks of my bum and the soles of my feet.

So what will become of this existential problem in Savile Row suits next year? I will keep buggering on and never stop until I am good and ready. I am not retiring and you can’t make me. New books on the horizon and new exhibitions and new designs for Jewellery for Gentlemen. God loves a trier.