Black Out for Time’s Up. January 2018.

Dear Rowley,

There’s nothing that quite says female empowerment and solidarity like a group over over-privileged, over-paid ladies in Hollywood wearing exquisite hand-fitted gowns and borrowed diamonds to protest the gender pay gap and sexual exploitation on the red carpet is there? What a radical, brave action to all wear black dresses: the one colour that flatters every female body from Emma Watson to Rebel Wilson. And to ‘speak out’ after decades quietly exchanging blow jobs for movie roles is nothing short of heroic: like latter-day Joans of Arc.

I am sorry to be flippant Rowley but I only had to listen to that perfidious Miss Watson with fire in here eyes and vehemence in her tone being interviewed with her ‘date’ for the evening National Domestic Workers’ Alliance chief Ai-Jen Poo. It was as if Miss Watson was knee-deep in mud outside Kunta Kinte’s hut not in the balmy LA afternoon sun standing in a box fresh pair of Louboutins.

Miss Watson has had bangs. Fancy! I will guarantee they will get more Twitter and Instagram attention than her misguided words about gender equal pay. She is a horrible actress and always has been from Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone when she sounded more Deanna Durbin than Judy Garland with over-elocuted vowels and mono-eyebrow. The alarm bells should have rung in the making of My Week With Marilyn. I didn’t see Beauty and the Beast so didn’t know which one they’d cast her as.

I think there is a circle in hell reserved for the Hollywood liberal elite who thinks there is nothing more important in our dull little lives than hearing them speak and tell us what to think. I am not a great moviegoer because I think these creatures are false gods. They play dress-up for a living and try to justify an infantile life by pretending their pictures have messages and their performances are brave rather than greedy and desperate ploys to gain attention and cash.

You did not catch the Great Kate Hepburn or God forbid Garbo complaining or explaining whilst they were at the top of their game. Hollywood did have its activists such as Bogie and Bacall who stood up to the McCarthy Communist witch hunt as did Marilyn Monroe and Judy Garland. Many actors in World War II fought bravely including Cary Grant. This is admirable. Wearing a black frock and bleating about a system your actions helped to create and keep secret is not.

The gesture was not even an original and, let’s face it, there’s nothing new in the zoo in Hollywood. In 1901 the Royal Enclosure at the Ascot race meeting held its first Black Ascot with the court in mourning for Queen Victoria, Empress of India. In 1910 the gesture was repeated on the death of one of the Turf’s favourite monarchs King Edward VII. Needless to say the lawns of the Royal Enclosure looked as chic as Act Two of Swan Lake when Odile glitters menacingly in all her glamour.

At least we were spared black imitation AIDS ribbons though I did spot a couple of button badges. What did they read? ‘I fucked Harvey Weinstein. Baby on board’? Or ‘Kevin Spacey’s bitch’? I do believe Hollywood is one of the most sanctimonious zones on the planet and entirely irony free outside knowledge of how the wheels are greased within the industry. I am sure the orgies still go on in the Hollywood Hills and that starlets continue to willingly fall to their knees to sleazy casting directors. It is the nature of the beast.

i don’t think anyone deserves millions of dollars for doing a job millions envy that essentially comprises playing dress-up and showing-off in front of a camera. The sex is irrelevant. You’re not fighting for equal pay with Leonardo, Tom Hanks or Tom Cruise because you are a brave feminist. It is because you are as greedy as the boys are but they never bothered to hide it. I repeat, nobody is worth $30 million a picture.

In all the brouhaha about the #MeToo campaign about admitting being sexually assaulted and the black out at the Golden Globes for Time’s Up, has anyone stopped to ask whether Weinstein and Spacey have actually been arrested and prosecuted yet? This will all be forgotten in the flurry of online, print and TV media about the gloriously glamorous Black Golden Globes.

The film footage is undeniably gorgeous but there does seem to be the glint in the eye of zealots. They call it a celebration of the death of Old Hollywood. Well, you ‘aint just whistling Dixie. This lot aren’t fit to lick the boots of Old Hollywood. Apparently Oprah Winfrey’s speech was a pitch for a Presidential nomination for the Democrat party. She’d evidently do a damned sight better than corrupt old Hilary who stood by her man while he shagged his way around Washington as the ultimate figure of male power abusing women.

As you know I am waging war against the Chinese in the flat below mine in Bloomsbury Towers who I suspect stole a family ring from my apartment. I had another visit from the Metropolitan Police the other evening and they are becoming convinced that I might be right. While I was ringing the front door bell from 3am to 7am, they apparently shuffled out of bed to check whether my apartment door was open which it was.

Why would you do that and not let your neighbour who has forgotten his keys into the house? I will get to the bottom of this and will not feel endeared to the Chinese in London as a result. I now feel the same about the silly men and women in Hollywood who are once again seeking attention. If I were a Hollywood wife, I would have emulated Scarlett O’Hara and worn red.