Wendy Deng & Other Animals. January 2018.

Dear Rowley,

Have you ever thought that a cabal of very selfish, very wicked and very greedy people carve up the world’s wealth and power between them? Well, if evidence were needed look no further than the former Mrs Rupert Murdock Wendy Deng. The slant-eyed devil socialite allegedly had an affair with the egregious Tony Blair, is bezzie mates with Ivanka Trump and is now apparently shagging Vladimir Putin.

What a piece of work is Wendy! You will find her at the Met Gala after party clowning around with Ivanka, on the slopes at Klosters with her latest toy boy or on board Abramovich’s yacht doubtless with a Blair or a Putin as a secret shipmate. I presume Wendy lives in Hong Kong but has an apartment in that sunniest place for shady ladies, Monte Carlo.

Out of all of Wendy’s cabal, I think the pleasantest character is that old turtle Rupert Murdock who is presumably having a ball with his new Sheila Jerry Hall. Blair’s stuck with avaricious satchel-mouth Cherie, Putin’s probably a closet homosexual, Trump is loop-the-fucking-loop and poor Melania possibly born a dude.

So who is going to ride to our rescue? Oprah Winfrey and RuPaul. Now you know I have great respect for Oprah and Mama Ru but I do not think they are cut-out to run the US of A. They can definitely win an election with charisma that makes Hilary Clinton look like a wallflower in comparison. But America will be sorry if Oprah does become Madam President.

As you know, I have written very little about President Trump because I am still reeling over the fact that a man who looks like something out of Strictly Ballroom – with that ludicrous nylon blond wig and jowls like Churchill the bulldog plus the piggy eyes of Thomas Cromwell – could actually get voted into the highest office on the planet. The fact that he communicates with other world leaders via Twitter says it all.

I fear the Donald will trigger a nuclear war before he is impeached, arrested or shot dead. It would be good to know who is the Vice President and whether Ivanka would stage a coup. Still, it will be fun to have Ivana Trump as the First Mother. She’d make a terrific hostess with the mostest in the White House.

I wonder what HM The Queen thinks of all of this monkey business? She must have had as many Presidents of the USA as she has British Prime Ministers and couturiers. HM has met all the key players in the Wendy Deng set including Rupert, Jerry, Putin, Abramovich and the Blairs. I believe she has yet to meet Donald Trump and the rest of his nest of vipers. Perhaps she’ll be spared the pleasure by Prime Minister May who might ask Prince Charles to deputise.

Weren’t you enchanted by the BBC programme about the Coronation and Crown Jewels featuring The Queen? HM was as effervescent as a Sterident as she made mischief and matter-of-fact comments that soon shut the rather pompous expert up. She snatched the Imperial State Crown from the gloved hands of the Crown Jeweller, had no idea what Prince Charles was doing at the Palace while she was being crowned at the Abbey and said words to the effect of ‘thank goodness’ when it was estimated that she hadn’t seen St Edward’s Crown since 1953.

One really hopes The Queen has recorded her lifetime of diaries to camera. Wouldn’t that be the most remarkable record of ten decades of British and international history narrated by the woman who knew them all and saw it all. I also enjoyed seeing The Queen wear the Culling III & IV brooch for the first time since her Diamond Jubilee celebration at St Paul’s.

The Queen clearly does not suffer fools gladly and I for one would love to hear what she thinks of strutting peacock Putin, bombastic buffoon Trump, the egregious war criminal Mr Blair and Miss Love You Long Time Deng. I would imagine she is too old to care now and thoughts turn to firesides at Balmoral, walks in Windsor Great Park and Christmases at Sandringham.

Can you honestly blame her? Apparently Prince Philip has retired to a sizeable house on one of the privately-owned royal estates and The Queen joins him for weekends. What a delightful arrangement. The Queen clearly likes Queening so won’t stop even though she may be more selective of her engagements. She’s certainly too aged to tolerate the Royal Variety Performance, the Royal Film Command Performance or anything involving Katherine Jenkins warbling or Clare Balding toadying.

We’ve been made aware over the years that Royal Ascot and the Derby are favourite dates on The Queen’s calendar and that she would not miss a Remembrance Day at the Cenotaph and the Remembrance Service at the Royal Albert Hall. The Braemar Games are always good for a laugh as some dumb jock drops a caber on his foot or the marching band’s kilts blow up to their ears. I don’t know whether The Queen attends house parties now but I doubt it. Rather a busman’s holiday to go to stately homes to be entertained…

We also know that The Queen has a best friend in dresser Angela Kelly and sees no reason to give up the glad rags and jewels worn to State Banquets. She’s not bothered about overseas travel any more though does like a cruise round the Hebrides. It would be a nice gesture to recommission Britannia for the last years of HM’s life. It is the least we could do to say thank you Ma’am.